


Fork Me in the Tardis

by ShortInsomniac98



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Comedy, F/M, Funny, Lemon, Life in the TARDIS, Silly, Smut, Swear Filter, Swearing, The Good Place Swear Filter, The Tardis's Swear Filter, ambiguous characterization, could be any doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 22:33:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20161198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShortInsomniac98/pseuds/ShortInsomniac98
Summary: Censorship during sex, provided by the Tardis's swear filter.





	Fork Me in the Tardis

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a discussion which occurred on a confession blog about the Doctor cursing during sex, or trying to, but being censored by the Tardis's swear filter, but with a twist: the Tardis's swear filter follows the same rules as the swear filter in The Good Place.
> 
> I started this with Ten in mind, but I ended up writing it ambiguously enough that it could fit any of the (male) New-Who Doctors, so you could imagine whatever incarnation of the Doctor you like in this situation.

“Finally alone,” he said, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her close.

“Yeah?” she said. “And what are we going to do now that we’re alone?”

He smiled. “I’ve got a few ideas,” he said, and kissed her gently.

“Me, too,” she whispered.

She backed him all the way up the console before dropping to her knees in front of him and unfastening the front of his trousers. She pulled them down just enough to free his cock, which was already erect, unsurprisingly.

“What are y—” he started to ask but was cut short suddenly by the feeling of her hand on him, then her mouth. “_Oh_.”

Her tongue slowly circled the tip, licking up the little bead of precum that was already dribbling from him. Then she took it into her mouth and sucked gently.

“_Ah_,” he moaned, burying a hand in her hair. “_Oh, God, yes_.”

Slowly, she took more of him into her mouth and hummed softly, letting the sound vibrate around his cock before sliding it out a bit, then back in a little further.

“_Oh...fork_,” he sighed.

She pulled back and looked up at him, her eyebrows furrowed and a grin playing at the corners of her mouth.

“What was that?” she asked.

“I, er,” he said, clearing his throat, more than a bit disoriented from the abrupt stop. “Erm. I meant to say _fork_, but the, er, the Tardis has a swear filter. It automatically changes any curse word to something less vulgar.”

“Fork?” she asked confused. “Oh, you mean _fork_.” Then she paused, realizing it had censored her, too. “Fork, I mean. Fork? Fork! What, even I can’t say fork?”

“You’ve been a passenger long enough it changes your words, too, I’m afraid,” he said.

“Hardly seems right,” she said. “I mean, I have rights. Freedom of speech. I should be allowed to say fork if I want to.”

He chuckled. “Well, I mean, you technically are saying _fork_, Rose.”

“Shut up!” she laughed. “You know I mean fork. Oh, bollocks. What a load of horse shirt.”

The Doctor busted out laughing then, so hard he nearly fell.

“Wait, wait, wait,” she said, holding back a laugh. “Are you telling me bollocks doesn’t count as a swear? What about ash? Ash? Oh come on! Ash! What about ash-hole? Ash is a curse but not bollocks?”

“I guess she just doesn’t know bollocks,” he snickered.

“Well, she’s seen enough of yours by now,” she said, nodding towards his open trousers.

“Oh, really,” he muttered, and quickly fixed them, having decided there was no moving forward after this episode.

“You know,” Rose said, raising her voice slightly to address the Tardis, “you can be a real cork block sometimes!”

“_Cork_?” the Doctor snorted before doubling over with laughter.

Rose rolled her eyes. “Really. Are you a child?”

“Oh, no,” he said as he tried to hold back his laugher, “I was just thinking of what she might change, ‘my cork in your pushy’ to.”

He stumbled into another fit of laughter, and it took everything in her not to follow him.

“Please stop talking right now,” she said, eyes wide.

“Why?” he asked. “You don’t want to—”

“Doctor, if you say one more word, I will throw myself out that door into the vortex.”

“Okay, okay, fine. I won’t say anything about—”

“_Doctor_…”

“Fork,” he muttered, unable to stop himself and earning a loud, exhausted groan from Rose as she wandered off toward the back. “Wait, where are you going?” he called after her.

“Bedroom,” she said. “You coming, or do I have to fork myself?”

He straightened and his eyes lit up. “Oh, yeah, ‘course,” he said, and he bolted after her.


End file.
